Sunday, 17 September 2017

My Big Parenting Fail Weekend

A couple of months ago, I experienced an exceptionally bad PARENTING FAIL weekend. Yes weekend. I had an entire weekend of "WTF am I doing in charge of small children?!" I am going to share it with you right now. Get ready to get balls deep into the saga of the near-death / nitmaggedon / Beaver catastrophe. Here goes.

So firstly….on Friday I knew Gus had nits. Well I suspected. So I planned to treat him that evening. You know the rigmarole: sitting in the bath with the nit comb for HOURS, then slathering his head with horrid spray, leaving it for 15 mins and then trying to wash the bloody oily gunk out...btw if anyone has any hacks here…. PLEASE inform me… it’s like trying to clear an ocean size oil spill with a teaspoon of fairy liquid. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I picked the kids up after school and Gus was having a friend over. On the way home we popped into the local Lidl with another friend of mine from school and her daughter. The kids had a ball in Lidl probably because I let them all choose a chocolate donut to eat whilst I was at the till. So they ran to the end and started shovelling their faces whilst I packed the rest of the shopping. Got to the till, opened my purse and there’s no bank card. Emlyn had taken it! I didn’t know what to do! I’d stuffed the buggy full of all the shopping already, the kids had virtually demolished the donuts… I was totally panicking. Then I remembered my friend was still in the shop, I asked the cashier (and the disgruntled queue) if I could try and find my friend, then I went haring around the aisles looking for her. Thank god she was still in the store! As soon as she saw me she reached for her card….she clearly knows what fucknut I am. What a friend! Drama one down.

We pay and head home. As we are walking towards the roundabout by our house we’re about to cross….I’ve got the buggy…the extra kid, Gus and Joni all holding hands…. I tell them to cross to the middle (meaning the island in the road)…. Which Gus at LEAST knows full well…. The kid leads them across the main road to the actual roundabout as I am screaming NOOOOOO! I am pushing the buggy and the shopping one way and they are wandering across the main road in the other direction, with cars coming at them! Christ on a bike...

Two cars stop (thankfully) in time, Joni is hysterical, the extra kid is looking scared stiff by my bellowing, Gus is oblivious that anything has gone wrong & bunch of teens behind are me shouting “woah” and “OMG”!!!!!! The kids were totally fine, if a bit shaken. I damn near shit myself! The cars let me go and rescue them but I was shaking like fuck. And this is no word of a lie, the boys had taken “Kerb craft” lessons that DAY and were both sporting the stickers to prove it. Kerb craft my arse!

Anyway the rest of the day was all fine. Kids had a lovely time together but by the time the extra kid had to go Gus was super tired so I decided to treat him the next day instead. One night won’t make a difference, eh?

So Saturday I had a friend and her kids over for the day. I’d run out time to do Gus’s hair in the morning before they came and I couldn’t face putting my brush through it knowing he *might* be infested… I mean, I STILL wasn’t 100% sure at this stage, K?! OK so it looked pretty messy but I didn’t think too much about it. (Yeah, I’m feeling that that is quite rank now but hindsight, guys...hindsight!)

In the afternoon he was going off with the kid from Friday again so off they went at about 3pm. I had a lovely day with my mate. She went after just after tea and Joni got taken upstairs to be nit checked. I was waiting for Gus to get home to do it….7.30pm and still no word from the extra kid’s mum. So I text… is 8pm OK to bring him home she says? Um OK! Bugger, that’s way late for nit checking.

But then. Oh god. Then they turn up, she comes into my kitchen raving about how amazing Gus has been and that her husband thinks she wants to adopt him (I am meanwhile stood with my arms folded because I’ve taken my bra off the evening and thought Emlyn would answer the door!)…she proceeds to chat and lets slip that she found a bug in Gus’s hair! I AM M O R T I F I E D. I splutter out that I was going to treat him that evening and how sorry I am to send her a nitty child but she just coolly goes on to explain that she found 27, yes TWENTY SEVEN more bugs….nit combed his whole head for over an hour THEN TREATED HIM, checked again, FOUND MORE (I am by now DYING of shame) and treated him AGAIN. As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Holy shit.

Inside I was screaming. Honestly I didn’t know what to do or say….I profusely apologised and hugged her…. But she was so nonchalant about it! I thought nearly killing her kid was bad enough but this, this was so so bad. And I’d hugged her without a bra on...the trauma!

That had to be the end of the parenting fails though, right? It can’t get any worse...surely?

The next day….Gus wakes up at dawn’s crack and despite having had 2 great days of fun has a 3 hour tantrum about £5. At 8.15am, feeling blurry eyed and already defeated by the day I get a phone call from “Tic Tac” (the passive-aggressive Beavers leader for whom Beavers is LIFE). She was ringing to tell me that the coach probably won’t wait for Gus now…Oh SHIT! I had TOTALLY forgotten he was supposed to be on a day out with them which I have paid for! Even though it was in my diary. Even though I KNEW this information!!! My poor addled brain. If she’d rung 5 mins before we could have got him there! But no, he missed the trip. Maaaaasssive Mummy fail. I also didn’t dare tell Gus he’d missed out. Luckily he’d forgotten too but I just felt too bad.

Please tell me I am not alone…. Please tell me you have experienced similar levels of parenting fails? I feel like this weekend really earned me a trophy in the parenting fail hall of fame….

NB: I obviously bought the nit-warrior Mum a bottle of wine… it was the very least I could do.

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