Mrs Helicopter Writes

My husband and I have recently made a fascinating discovery about screen time. The result of which has been, quite frankly, life changing for us. Since it’s become the norm to own a phone or tablet and more importantly, be glued to that device playing games or scrolling social media endlessly, there has been a lot of media attention focused on whether or not screen time is healthy for us. The blue light emitted from most hand held devices such as phones and tablets can inhibit sleep, for example. So there is plenty of readily available advice about the downside of not having to stare awkwardly into space, avoiding eye contact on public transport! But. Did we, the Helicopters, as a family, HEED this advice? DID we? Did we heck . Emlyn and I are as guilty as anyone of coming in from work, feeding and watering the kids, plonking them in front of the TV and then ignoring each other whilst we autonomously check our own newsfeeds in case something amazing has happening in the half ...

Look, I know this is a pretty unoriginal observation. But yeah. When you’re stuck in front of kids TV for hours, breast-feeding, bottle-feeding, ironing, sorting the washing or just clinging onto consciousness for sheer life …..sometimes your loins start to stir. Don’t deny it. It’s one of the only perks of watching banal shit for hours on end, day in & day out. Fantasising about kids characters you wouldn’t kick out of bed. And if you’re like me, you’re also dissecting their techniques. Now this is a game all sexualities can play. I am a lady who likes men so mine are all male. I can’t, ahem, confirm that they are all HUMAN form but in fantasyland I don’t * think * it’s classed as bestiality. But if you are a lady who likes ladies or a man who likes mens, then I sure there are characters out there who fill your sexual boots too. Here’s my list (in no particular order except the first one) 1) Mr Bloom. I AM OBSESSED BY HIM. I don’t even know if he’s still on Cbeebies ...

The cheese tag. A Mrs Helicopter production for all those for whom CHEESE IS LIFE. Rules: Copy and paste the questions below. Answer them on your blog, link back to the person who tagged you, link back to ME because I am the cheese tag mastermind! And then tag 3-5 cheese lovers you know to join in the fun. After that tweet it out, tweet your tagees tweet me @jesshelicopter and I shall RT you too! And I want to read everyone’s answers too, it’s not just because I am an internet megalomaniac. (I am) Hooray! Let’s begin cheese fans!!!!! 1) What is your favourite cheese and why? 2) List your top 3 and describe them. 3) Did you like cheese as a kid? 4) Is there a cheese you don’t like? Why? 5) Any bad experiences with cheese? 6) Do you associate a particular cheese with a specific event? List all! 7) What is your favourite food to accompany your cheese? 8) What is your favourite beverage to accompany your cheese? 9) What is your favourite way to eat cheese as an ingredien...

Festival Season is well and truly upon us. And I’m seeing loads of pics on social media from friends who’ve come back from Green Man and Camp Bestival and all sorts of other outdoorsy musical events and I must say, I’m a little bit envious. That’ will NEVER be me and my kids.   Big Day Out, Melbourne 2006 As a teenager, I absolutely LOVED a festival. I can honestly say that bunking off school at 17 and going to Glastonbury in the back of a battered old van with the local crusties was one of the definitive moments of my life. I didn’t think I could be any happier than when I was at that festival, surrounded by fellow drunken / high “alternative types”. Of course, in 1993 it was actually still hot and sunny during summer so this was long before the bog-fest of later years. It was all incense, tie dye, tassels, sun-scorched grass, stone circles, crazy dancing, jamming on guitars with strangers, delicious smelling food stalls and warm beer in plastic beakers. I’d see hi...

Pop Quiz: Are you a toxic slut-shamer or not? You walk into a restaurant and you notice a slender woman in a super low cut top, short skirt and smooth legs up to her armpits. Do you think: a)    Woah, she’s hot! b)    Woah, she’s brave! c)    Woah, wish I had those… (whatever) d)    Eeeew, put it away love! e)    I wonder what the specials are today? I will confess. Up until not long ago, I would have probably thought a combination of  a) c) and…. shamefully… d). Yes I would have been a bit grossed out by all the sexiness on display. I was definitely a toxic slut-shamer. I quite clearly remember expressing disgust at picture of Jane Goldman at some awards thing and the words “cow’s udders” being muttered (from my own lips…). I’m hugely embarrassed by this now though. I suck. But I’m woke! My only defence is that there is a deeply ingrained whore-hatred in our society. We are taught either directly (by rel...

I love being naked. Just gimme some hot, hot heat and I’ll strip in a jiff! Are you beach ready yet? Or are you a quivering mess of bodily self-hatred, meekly prodding at your orange peel thighs with an increasing feeling of dread and horror that as the temperature sores you will be forced to bear these bad boys to the big bad judgey-mc judgepants world? Well I am here to tell you…. DON’T BE THAT GUY!* *(girl…probably). I want to tell you that it doesn’t matter! No one REALLY cares what you look like. At the beach no one really will be scrutinising your love handles or baulking over your muffin top. Everyone is far more interested in what THEY look like! So be the winner and say STUFF it….and get those chubby bits out! On honeymoon in Sardinia. No fucks given.  It will feel weird and scary to begin with…. It’s natural to feel like you’re being judged when you do something new…but remember, there’s probably NO ONE actually watching and the rewards are ace! Be...