Thursday 25 June 2015

How Not To Take A Good Passport Photo

I have just had the misfortune of making 3 separate attempts at trying to produce a photo that Customs and Excise will feel is the truest representation of my face. At a cost of fifteen, FIFTEEN of your British Earth Pounds! I tell you! I don’t have that kind of money to fanny around with! I’m already being robbed blind paying out nearly £100 smackers for the privilege of having an up-to-date passport just so I can prove that I am MYSELF in any given situation (because it sure as hell isn’t anything as fun as a HOLIDAY. Although the “fun-ness” of holidays at my time of life is debated here…).

In the photo it’s required that there is a white background, my head needs to sit neatly between two markers on the screen, I must have nothing on my face, neck, head. I must show no facial expression and DEFINITELY NO SMILING. Official guidelines here.

Photo 1:


Bad Passport Pic 1



It was rejected by the kind ladies at the post office counter who after much too-ing and fro-ing because I was a) too far back and so my head was too small (despite fitting within the markers) b) I was off centre c) my fringe was TOUCHING my eye brow. (No joke).

Just a little question here. Does my hair lightly TOUCHING my eyebrow indicate terrorist leanings? Is it likely to hide a massive, facially disfiguring scar meaning I could in reality be a spy of different ethnical origin? Or whatever it is they’re worried about….

Also, why? Why do we have to look so goddamn miserable and ugly? MOST of us don’t spend our days with absolutely NO expression unless we’ve had an unfortunate accident. When we are walking through customs, our faces will be animated from talking, laughing (crying?!) or whatever. We won’t be trudging through-dead eyed, staring off into the distance like zombies! It’s very silly.

On a personal note, this experience has taught me a few things about my face. My eyes are completely unequal…one looks like it’s bulging out ready to make a run for it and the other one is contemplating a snooze. I’ll never make it into one of those articles where they dissect the symmetry of a gorgeous famous face now. And I’m getting a bit jowly.

Photo 2:

Bad Passport Pic 2



Rejected again! Ugh what the WHAT?! This time the area around my neck is too dark and my MOUTH IS OPEN. Oh come ON! Even if I was concealing a massive goitre, what would that mean about my identity?! What security risk is there in my having a goitre?! It’s so goitrist! As for the mouth open….I ….eh? Terrorists all have their mouths sewed shut at birth..? I can’t even.

Photo 3:

Bad Passport pic 3



Now come on, you can see ALL OF MY MASSIVE FACE in ALL its glory. I’m not concealing weapons of mass destruction in a goitre on my neck…can you please give me a fricking passport now? NO? Because my eyes aren’t central enough.

I give up.



Btw how do these pictures represent my face? The pictures below are faaaaaaaar more representative of my face. If you want to know who I am then these are the photos that should appear in my passport Customs. Not those dead eyed freaks above. K? K. 


Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Wednesday 10 June 2015

Why People Moan On Social Media

Why do people moan on social media?
My big, moaning face.

You know the ones I mean, the ones who moan that they “haven’t sat down all day” and “every flipping traffic light was red” and “ugh, someone didn’t change the bog roll AGAIN” and “shit, the kids have been utter bastards ALL DAY AND I NEED WINE”. Familiar? That’s because you probably follow me. I’m that person.

So why do I do it? Why do I think anyone ever wants to read me moaning like a miserable, old cow?

Because it’s life.
It’s normal for people to have things to moan about in their daily life. It’s how us lovely Brits like to get through the day! Especially if you happen to mention the weather (and how shit it is!). Absolutely no one can go to bed and say their day has been perfect from start to end. Unless they are a) lying or b) have had a lobotomy.

Because everyone can relate to it.
Everyone knows how frustrating it is to get to a bus stop as the bus pulls off; or how annoying it is when someone is rude serving you in a shop; or realising you’ve left your purse on the kitchen counter when you’ve got a full shopping trolley; or when someone cancels a lunch date just as you’re putting your fully prepared meal on the table; or when you ring for a doctors appointment and you are told you have to wait THREE WEEKS to see someone.  

Because it IS happening to you.
When you’re having a shit day it’s so nice to read that you’re not alone. Someone else has had it up to pussy’s bow that day too! You can have a good old moan together on your social media platform of choice.

Because it’s not happening to YOU.
It’s also a relief to know that it ISN’T happening to you! “Thank god my day’s not as bad as hers!” It puts things in perspective a little bit..... “Ooof, she’s having a rough one!” You can feel smug that your day is going infinitely better than mine.

Above all, the reason that I moan on social media is to make people LAUGH. As you'll know if you regularly read this blog, I very often have my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. If I am having a shocking day and I need to vent, I'll usually try and make it sound as ridiculous as possible so that I can get some humour out of the situation. It’s selfish really. I use it as a tool to help me feel better about the rough crap I am dealing with at that moment. And with two young kids and two naughty cats, it’s quite often literally crap I am dealing with.

Also when you have small kids, and you’re not the most patient of souls *cough* then there are a LOT of times in the day when you just need to get away from the squawking, the grizzles, the pleas for more juice, Peppa Pig! NO! Paw Patrol! The “it’s mine” “no, it’s mine” “I had it!”; the “no Joni, stop LOOKING AT ME”s; the “mummy can you wipe my bottooooooom”s.......aaaaaargh! I neeeeed to tell someone, like a little cry for help into the wilderness of Twitter...it’s going to be ok right?! I am going to get through the afternoon without throttling my kids, RIGHT?!

So I moan on social media a lot. And actually, in real life, I’m a pretty positive and upbeat, happy person. I guess that’s part of it too. Especially on Facebook where most of the people in my “friends” list know me. They know I’m ranting and that I’m not inherently a dark-sided monster. The ones that don’t like it (and believe me, there are many) have hidden me from their timelines. My Auntie even deleted me once because she couldn’t cope with it! But that’s the beauty of social media: you have control over what you read. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to!

I won’t be stopping moaning on social media anytime soon. It’s life, so suck it up Buttercups!



And then the fun began...
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