Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Motherland Depresses The Shit Out Of Me.

Motherland is a relatively new comedy series on the BBC that follows a modern, middle class white working woman and her struggles with balancing childcare, cliquey playground mums, an unhelpful grandparent and an absent/selfish father. Whilst I do think it’s very funny, and in some ways quite perceptive, I am also depressed as shit about a few key details. And I actually don’t think it’s helpful to have another TV series which represents childcare as solely a woman’s responsibility, however hilarious and possibly true to life it is.

I do get that art reflects life so in this instance the popularity of this show is down to the fact that mothers see their lives reflected back at them. That IS the experience of many women in the UK right now. They work and they struggle and they sort out the childcare. But if we keep portraying that as the norm on screen, it’s not going to change anything is it? At some point, instead of saying this is your experience...isn’t it shit? How about challenging the stereotypes and having a comedy which represents BOTH parents struggling? Because it IS the responsibility of BOTH parents.

My biggest problem with Motherland is the representation of men. They are either entirely absent – the husband of the main character (Julia) is always off at the football or a stag weekend or at his “more important” job. OR they are simpering weirdos who the female characters either tolerate or are mildly repulsed by. WTF? WHY?

Why are the fathers depicted like this? Like they don’t give a shit about their kids parties or schooling or have any interest in their lives at all? Is this the experience of the writer? Because if it is, I feel sorry for her. Of all the partners / fathers I know ...even the ones who are the most self-absorbed and Neanderthal in attitude (thankfully not many) NONE of them have ZERO interest in the lives of their kids. I’d say at the very least most fathers would be present at their kid’s birthday party, no?

And if they ARE totally absent, as much as that is totally shit, it’s also surely partly your responsibility for putting up with it? There’s a point where Julia is on the phone to her husband, at a stag weekend and he asks, albeit insincerely, if he needs to come home. YES. YES YOU FUCKING DO YOU SELFISH PRICK. And she says no, it’s fine. I’m sure many women relate to that. You feel guilty asking them to help because “they need a break too”. They work hard too. Sure. But when do YOU get a break? Why isn’t he organising the kids party and navigating the social awkwardness of kids parties with cliquey parents? Why aren’t YOU off on a canal boat with a donkey hat on, swigging Pimms and singing songs about vicars and tits?

Because you’re a woman. And that’s your job. According to TV adverts, soap operas, comedies, dramas. Woman sort the kids out, men go to the pub. Still. Now. In 2017. W.T.F.

Also, a small note here as well….the writer, who LIVES in London, doesn’t seem to have noticed ethnic diversity either. Which is odd, given that only 44% of London is White & British according to the 2011 consensus. But perhaps I am being picky here? One thing at a time, eh?

The one character I do really like and I think IS true to life is Liz. Liz DGAF. She’s single, she’s always trying to get a date, she takes parenting with a pinch of salt and she’s singularly unimpressed by the bitchy mums. She’s #squadgoals for me. But what IS Kevin? Does ANYONE know a Kevin?

My plea to the BBC is this…. Can we PLEASE have some Fathers in comedy who aren’t totally shit? They do exist. And even if they don’t exist in abundance, then seeing them represented on screen can only help encourage them to be less shit? And maybe encourage some mums to put up with less shit? Surely? PLEASE? In 2017? Yes?  

Monday, 13 November 2017

Feminist Christmas Gift Guide

Hoo Hoo! Christmas is around the corner peeps, you know what that means... GIFT GUIDE SEASON! So last year I created a HILARIOUS *cough* list of gifts parents might like to receive come yule tide. For those who haven't seen it, it was a spoof. This however is for realz. And Feminists love Christmas just as much as the next person, right? (um...apart from Feminists who are of a different faith...but sshhh details!)  So here is a list of things that I think are FAB.

But the most fantabulocious thing of all is that you can win a bunch of items listed below in an amazing Feminist Christmas Giveaway! Hooray! Stay tuned to the end to find out how to enter! And be sure to share with your Feminist Sisters!

Hopefully amongst this awesome list, you'll find something that tickles you or your best mate/partner's fancy:

These beautiful and empowering bracelets £8.50 each (all three included in Giveaway!) from Rose & Roxy where £1 from every purchase is donated to You can also get a 10% discount with the code HELICOPTER at the checkout on Etsy! YEY! 

This hilarious Tote £4.99 (and matching T-shirt included in Giveaway!) from Hallion Clothing

This FANTASTIC necklace £12.00 From A RoseCast (Included in giveaway along with sticker sets)

One of a selection of these amazing Feminist Pins £7.00 each (4 Included in the giveaway!) from Punky Pins

This frankly excellent Free The Nipple T-Shirt £14.00 (included in the Giveaway!) from Rebecca Kelly 

This Ace Princess Leia Pin £7.50 from Bookish & Bakewell (Choice of Leia or Daenerys included in Giveway)

This fabulous Embroidery £25 for those who like to mix the Victorian with the obscene (eg ME!) from NiamhyStiches

This Print of amazing Feminsts £14.25 featuring (in clockwise order from top left) Ida B Wells, Ruth Bader Ginsbery, Maya Angelou, Frida Kahlo, Malala, Amelia Earhart, Susan B Anthony & Angela Davis.

This Fabulous Clock approx £20  

This now very popular Book for Mamas approx £12 which has fabulous bite size biographies of amazing women and their contribution to the world written for younger people. Great bedtime stories for your mini Feminists.

Hopefully you've got some more ideas for Christmas now. Now for the exciting bit! The Giveaway! Enter below, feel free to share on Twitter, Facebook and all over the world and MASSES of luck! 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Full disclosure, I received all of the items for the giveaway as a donation in return for inclusion in the Gift Guide. All with the exception of the Feminist AF necklace which I loved so much I bought one for myself and one to include in the giveaway. I also got the idea for a few of these items from a list on Buzzfeed.

Friday, 13 October 2017

I’ve been Sexually Harassed. You Probably Have Too.

The Weinstein thing. It’s everywhere right now. Big (male) Hollywood Producer in casting couch shocker. The term originated there. I am GLAD it’s everywhere, but it’s about time. Finally more and more men who have abused their positions of power are being held accountable.

And it’s obviously creating a wave of emotion from people who have experienced sexual harassment. I’ve seen quite a few girls on Twitter who have felt “triggered” by the news events recently and have had to come off social media to preserve their mental health. Which completely makes sense, despite it being a desperately sad situation.

But then I realised. I’ve been sexually harassed. I’ve been sexually harassed loads in fact. And do you know why that fact has only just occurred to me? Because I’d always just dismissed it as expected behaviour from the environment I was in. I’ll expand.

I’ve have had my bum pinched by a male teacher, aged 9. Thought it was normal (actually I thought it was a bit weird but not enough to say anything to anyone).

I’ve had my bum patted so many times by so many different men that I can’t even remember numbers.

I’ve had my boobs grabbed, and felt up by strangers in bars, night clubs.

I’ve been forcefully kissed on the mouth by a man I was arguing with.

I’ve had my PUSSY grabbed at by a man in a disgusting pub in Canton, Cardiff. And when I protested this, of course I was called a frigid, lesbian bitch. The stock response. Again I've lost count of how many times I've been accused of either or both. 

I’ve never put up with it. I’ve ALWAYS called out whoever has done the grabbing, rubbing, touching. None of it was invited and where I was (in a club/bar) and what I was wearing (maybe a low cut top) NEVER meant I sanctioned being TOUCHED by a stranger. I’ve had many verbal fights with men and a lot of “almost” physical fights before being pulled away by my friends / boyfriend (who mostly got the stick for not controlling his “bitch”).

Now I am lucky. None of these events have traumatised me. They’ve stayed with me. They’ve hardened my determination to see that women get treated more equally in society. Inevitably they HAVE made me feel bitter and angry that we have to put up with being treated like bits of meat in a butchers shop. But I don’t bear the scars and for that I am grateful.

I am not alone though am I? I am willing to bet that most women who read this will also have, at some time in their lives, been on the receiving end of unwanted touching. Or behaviour that has made them feel uncomfortable… like wolf whistling (For which we must all respond graciously for fear of being told we were ugly / fat / disgusting in the first place).

But this is the thing. We’ve grown up expecting it. Even though MOST of us hate it, we know that we have to “just put up with it” because it’s just a bit of fun, isn’t it? It’s a compliment!

Does that seem like an “equal” society to you? That one sex can predominantly make the other sex feel uncomfortable? Of course there are plenty of instances where the tables are turned. Women groping men. I had a friend who would regularly grab men when she was drunk. They were visibly repulsed by it most of the time. Unsurprisingly. But I don’t condone that either. Of course not!

No one needs to touch ANYONE else, unless they are invited to. Lets stop acting like it’s OK.

PLEASE let this persuade you that we still need feminism! Having your bum pinched is a feminist issue! REPRESENT!!!!

Friday, 22 September 2017

Screen Time Revelations!

My husband and I have recently made a fascinating discovery about screen time. The result of which has been, quite frankly, life changing for us.
Since it’s become the norm to own a phone or tablet and more importantly, be glued to that device playing games or scrolling social media endlessly, there has been a lot of media attention focused on whether or not screen time is healthy for us. The blue light emitted from most hand held devices such as phones and tablets can inhibit sleep, for example. So there is plenty of readily available advice about the downside of not having to stare awkwardly into space, avoiding eye contact on public transport!
But. Did we, the Helicopters, as a family, HEED this advice? DID we? Did we heck.
Emlyn and I are as guilty as anyone of coming in from work, feeding and watering the kids, plonking them in front of the TV and then ignoring each other whilst we autonomously check our own newsfeeds in case something amazing has happening in the half hour since we last checked.
This is pretty shit parenting, granted. But I am sure we’re not alone. And I'm being glib here, obviously we’re not that bad….we don’t leave the TV to babysit for hours imprisoned into our own screen addiction. Also I think most people these days feel a bit of guilt about the amount of mindless phone scrolling they do.
With kids however, how do you know how much screen time is too much? Some kids will be naturally drawn to hand held devices. I know it can be a life saver for parents with kids on the autistic spectrum. Jodie from A First Time Valley Mam who’s son is on the scale says it helps him get to sleep every night.
Other kids will love the adrenaline buzz of playing games, watching funny videos or even just watching regular kids TV on them. This is great if you’re on long car journeys or in a doctors waiting room etc. It’s less great when you’re trying to get them out of the door for school or upstairs to brush their teeth for bed.
And then there’s the question about filters and parental controls… are they watching appropriate stuff? Are they chatting to weirdos? Eeek!
So what’s the answer? Well ….we’ve been a bit tardy to the screen-time-is-bad party. We have a 7 year old boy who’s a quite the regular to the “hand held device show” and a 3 year old girl who vaguely showed an interest in the iPad then got over it. However, we've just made a BIG stand with screen time and the results have been remarkable.
As I mentioned, we've been pretty lax with how much screen time our oldest has had. From the age of about 3 we’ve very lazily and let him take our phones (then later the iPad) to play on when he wakes up in the morning. This is because for years he woke between 5-6am everyday. It would enable us to have another half hour-hour asleep when he was younger and then a bit more time as he got older and more independent. But a young boy who’s had a good few hours on an iPad with no breakfast, is probably not going to be Mr Happy when we eventually roll our lazy butts out of bed. And yet it’s taken us years to realise this. I know, WTF is wrong with us?!
He's always been quite an angry kid but when his sister came along we put it down to jealousy. Then when he started school we thought it was tiredness. Things got particularly bad at the end of his last school term. He was permanently stroppy about everything. It was getting to the point where I thought we might have to get some professional anger management advice for him. I was gutted that he seemed so unhappy with his life and I felt like we really might need someone to help us work through whatever it was making him so frustrated.
I planned a trip to the doctor to discuss this and his issues with sleep. He’d stay up late (despite being in a proper wind-down bed routine since he was a baby) and still wake up at the crack of dawn. The day before I took him, I'd heard from a friend that she'd banned screen time with one of her sons who’d been sneaking off and watching YouTube. It had a huge impact on his behaviour. We'd been reluctant to try it really because we were cowards. We knew that the few times before when we had hidden the iPad in the mornings, he'd wake the whole house up at 5.30am singing or playing loudly.
That night though, we bit the bullet and gave him and out and out ban on all hand held screen time in the week and no longer than a handful of 10 mins intervals on the weekends. His behaviour DRASTICALLY improved. The doctor did give us some advice about sleep which has really helped too. The two things must be related. He’s currently not waking up super early and it can’t be a coincidence that he’s not allowed to race down stairs and get the iPad. He gets up and draws or plays with his lego. He doesn’t bellow the house down! Who knew?! I’m utterly gob smacked by the whole thing! Why the HECK didn’t we do this sooner?! I mean really?! What is WRONG with us!
Mornings are so SO much easier without him being stroppy and rude after being asked to put the iPad down. He's a different child. Not only has his mood improved, he's stopped being so horrible to his sister which is a bloody miracle. He spends his time either on the trampoline, writing stories, drawing or making stuff. It seems so completely obvious now…
It is still a bit of a battle sometimes. When he’s feeling tired and lazy, he’ll just want to sit down and zone out and he’ll beg to go on a phone or whatever. But we are standing firm. He’ll usually just settle for a film on the TV.
So my advice to you, at the end of this, is if you are having behaviour issues with your kids and you can’t work out why, maybe check how much screen time they get. Kids aren’t all the same but for some, it’s most definitely a perpetrator of doom! So perhaps it’s time to step away from the iPad….

Sunday, 17 September 2017

My Big Parenting Fail Weekend

A couple of months ago, I experienced an exceptionally bad PARENTING FAIL weekend. Yes weekend. I had an entire weekend of "WTF am I doing in charge of small children?!" I am going to share it with you right now. Get ready to get balls deep into the saga of the near-death / nitmaggedon / Beaver catastrophe. Here goes.

So firstly….on Friday I knew Gus had nits. Well I suspected. So I planned to treat him that evening. You know the rigmarole: sitting in the bath with the nit comb for HOURS, then slathering his head with horrid spray, leaving it for 15 mins and then trying to wash the bloody oily gunk out...btw if anyone has any hacks here…. PLEASE inform me… it’s like trying to clear an ocean size oil spill with a teaspoon of fairy liquid. I wasn’t looking forward to it.

I picked the kids up after school and Gus was having a friend over. On the way home we popped into the local Lidl with another friend of mine from school and her daughter. The kids had a ball in Lidl probably because I let them all choose a chocolate donut to eat whilst I was at the till. So they ran to the end and started shovelling their faces whilst I packed the rest of the shopping. Got to the till, opened my purse and there’s no bank card. Emlyn had taken it! I didn’t know what to do! I’d stuffed the buggy full of all the shopping already, the kids had virtually demolished the donuts… I was totally panicking. Then I remembered my friend was still in the shop, I asked the cashier (and the disgruntled queue) if I could try and find my friend, then I went haring around the aisles looking for her. Thank god she was still in the store! As soon as she saw me she reached for her card….she clearly knows what fucknut I am. What a friend! Drama one down.

We pay and head home. As we are walking towards the roundabout by our house we’re about to cross….I’ve got the buggy…the extra kid, Gus and Joni all holding hands…. I tell them to cross to the middle (meaning the island in the road)…. Which Gus at LEAST knows full well…. The kid leads them across the main road to the actual roundabout as I am screaming NOOOOOO! I am pushing the buggy and the shopping one way and they are wandering across the main road in the other direction, with cars coming at them! Christ on a bike...

Two cars stop (thankfully) in time, Joni is hysterical, the extra kid is looking scared stiff by my bellowing, Gus is oblivious that anything has gone wrong & bunch of teens behind are me shouting “woah” and “OMG”!!!!!! The kids were totally fine, if a bit shaken. I damn near shit myself! The cars let me go and rescue them but I was shaking like fuck. And this is no word of a lie, the boys had taken “Kerb craft” lessons that DAY and were both sporting the stickers to prove it. Kerb craft my arse!

Anyway the rest of the day was all fine. Kids had a lovely time together but by the time the extra kid had to go Gus was super tired so I decided to treat him the next day instead. One night won’t make a difference, eh?

So Saturday I had a friend and her kids over for the day. I’d run out time to do Gus’s hair in the morning before they came and I couldn’t face putting my brush through it knowing he *might* be infested… I mean, I STILL wasn’t 100% sure at this stage, K?! OK so it looked pretty messy but I didn’t think too much about it. (Yeah, I’m feeling that that is quite rank now but hindsight, guys...hindsight!)

In the afternoon he was going off with the kid from Friday again so off they went at about 3pm. I had a lovely day with my mate. She went after just after tea and Joni got taken upstairs to be nit checked. I was waiting for Gus to get home to do it….7.30pm and still no word from the extra kid’s mum. So I text… is 8pm OK to bring him home she says? Um OK! Bugger, that’s way late for nit checking.

But then. Oh god. Then they turn up, she comes into my kitchen raving about how amazing Gus has been and that her husband thinks she wants to adopt him (I am meanwhile stood with my arms folded because I’ve taken my bra off the evening and thought Emlyn would answer the door!)…she proceeds to chat and lets slip that she found a bug in Gus’s hair! I AM M O R T I F I E D. I splutter out that I was going to treat him that evening and how sorry I am to send her a nitty child but she just coolly goes on to explain that she found 27, yes TWENTY SEVEN more bugs….nit combed his whole head for over an hour THEN TREATED HIM, checked again, FOUND MORE (I am by now DYING of shame) and treated him AGAIN. As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Holy shit.

Inside I was screaming. Honestly I didn’t know what to do or say….I profusely apologised and hugged her…. But she was so nonchalant about it! I thought nearly killing her kid was bad enough but this, this was so so bad. And I’d hugged her without a bra on...the trauma!

That had to be the end of the parenting fails though, right? It can’t get any worse...surely?

The next day….Gus wakes up at dawn’s crack and despite having had 2 great days of fun has a 3 hour tantrum about £5. At 8.15am, feeling blurry eyed and already defeated by the day I get a phone call from “Tic Tac” (the passive-aggressive Beavers leader for whom Beavers is LIFE). She was ringing to tell me that the coach probably won’t wait for Gus now…Oh SHIT! I had TOTALLY forgotten he was supposed to be on a day out with them which I have paid for! Even though it was in my diary. Even though I KNEW this information!!! My poor addled brain. If she’d rung 5 mins before we could have got him there! But no, he missed the trip. Maaaaasssive Mummy fail. I also didn’t dare tell Gus he’d missed out. Luckily he’d forgotten too but I just felt too bad.

Please tell me I am not alone…. Please tell me you have experienced similar levels of parenting fails? I feel like this weekend really earned me a trophy in the parenting fail hall of fame….

NB: I obviously bought the nit-warrior Mum a bottle of wine… it was the very least I could do.

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Kids Characters I want to Shag (Warning: contains graphic content)

Look, I know this is a pretty unoriginal observation. But yeah. When you’re stuck in front of kids TV for hours, breast-feeding, bottle-feeding, ironing, sorting the washing or just clinging onto consciousness for sheer life …..sometimes your loins start to stir. Don’t deny it. It’s one of the only perks of watching banal shit for hours on end, day in & day out. Fantasising about kids characters you wouldn’t kick out of bed. And if you’re like me, you’re also dissecting their techniques. Now this is a game all sexualities can play. I am a lady who likes men so mine are all male. I can’t, ahem, confirm that they are all HUMAN form but in fantasyland I don’t *think* it’s classed as bestiality. But if you are a lady who likes ladies or a man who likes mens, then I sure there are characters out there who fill your sexual boots too.

Here’s my list (in no particular order except the first one)

1) Mr Bloom. I AM OBSESSED BY HIM. I don’t even know if he’s still on Cbeebies but 'ecky thump….he gives me a wide on. (don’t click that link, those that are easily offended). I’m not even that into blonds normally. But he does something to me that makes my jaw go slack. I think it’s his cheeky “pretend” Manchester swagger, kindly “Northern” accent and the way he’s so nurturing to his veggies. Honestly when sings “My, haven’t YOU grooown”… there’s a slug trail situation on my sofa. He really REALLY gives me the horn. This illusion was shattered slightly when I saw him being interviewed about the Cbeebies Xmas panto. In real life he’s a bit of a stage school lovey. Sad times. A little reminiscent of Ollie Plimsolls from League of Gentlemen. (Put yourself into a child!) It’s true what they say, never meet your heroes.

2) Disney’s Robin Hood. This is where it all started for me. At the ripe old age
of (no word of a lie….) 6. I saw Robin Hood with that gorgeous, charismatic fox...and my destiny as a dirty old horn-bag was laid bare before me. I was smitten. He made me feel weird things in my tummy! I literally felt a bit sick when I thought about him and I would obsessively draw pictures of him everywhere. However having just had a quick squiz on YouTube for a clip to embed (oh sorry, I am breaking the fourth wall!) I’ve realised with slight horror that he sounds nothing like I remembered. I had a weird crush on a man who sounds like my grandfather. Oh god. Don’t. MOVING ON!

3) Marty from Madagascar. This is a weird one. It’s arisen because I’ve had to endure a bloody Madagascar 1, 2 & 3 marathon for the last 2 days. Chris Rock is funny as fuck. No doubt. And men who make me laugh are generally the ones I want to shag senseless. But his character in this film ISN’T sexy. He’s like a child! But a man child. So even though I am uncomfortable with myself for this, I am pretty sure in human terms a 10 yr old Zebra would be at LEAST 21...right? RIGHT??? I think my brain just shook my vagina awake from sheer boredom, to be honest.

4) Dangermouse. I thought he was SO cool. He reminded me of my super cool best mate Matthew Steel (who I also crushed on for my entire childhood). He was sarcastic and funny and brilliant. As an adult…discovering he was voiced by David Jason… oh dear. Delboy HELL NO.

5) Elvis from Fireman Sam. HEAR ME OUT…. Look I know he’s fucking idiot….but he can move! He’s got Elvis’s snake hips! I know Elvis was a hideous old, burger snaffling racist but Fireman Sam’s Elvis is a sweet, dopey, fuck boy. He can hold his hose over me anytime he likes. 

6) Kristoff from Frozen. This is a more obvious one. But I like how flipping grumpy and misanthropic he is. Also he’s big and rough. I think he’d show you a good time, rogering you silly on top of the hay bales. Sven has to wait outside though, K? Reindeer maybe better than people but I am not into performance art.

7) Victor from Thomas & Friends. OK so I’ve saved the weirdest til last. I want to fuck a train. There I said it. An elderly train as well. But he’s got a very sexy Cuban accent. And he’s so sweet. He’s got a total fuckwit as a side kick called Kevin and all he ever does is be patient and kind to him. I think he’d be a tender lover.

Obviously there are ten thousand kids characters you wouldn’t wanna touch with a barge pole...amirite? I mean I don’t even really need to mention the sex-less Mr Tumble, Mister Maker and weird-hairline Andy from Cbeebies. Then there’s others like Ryder from Paw Patrol. You know he’d be two pumps and a squirt with a red-faced apology. And Postman Pat...the fuck is his look about? He looks like a granny with his fuzzy hair and glasses. Although he HAS got an interesting shaped nose…..

That nose tho...

OK I think I better leave it there. So. There you go. My list of kids tv characters I’d like to shag. Now don’t say I am alone. Fill my comments box with your own lustful list please!

Sunday, 3 September 2017

The Cheese Tag™

The cheese tag. A Mrs Helicopter production for all those for whom CHEESE IS LIFE.

Rules: Copy and paste the questions below. Answer them on your blog, link back to the person who tagged you, link back to ME because I am the cheese tag mastermind! And then tag 3-5 cheese lovers you know to join in the fun. After that tweet it out, tweet your tagees tweet me @jesshelicopter and I shall RT you too! And I want to read everyone’s answers too, it’s not just because I am an internet megalomaniac. (I am)

Hooray! Let’s begin cheese fans!!!!!

1) What is your favourite cheese and why?

2) List your top 3 and describe them.

3) Did you like cheese as a kid?

4) Is there a cheese you don’t like? Why?

5) Any bad experiences with cheese?

6) Do you associate a particular cheese with a specific event? List all!

7) What is your favourite food to accompany your cheese?

8) What is your favourite beverage to accompany your cheese?

9) What is your favourite way to eat cheese as an ingredient? Eg pizza, macaroni cheese, mash. Whatevs.

10) If you could only eat either cheese or chocolate for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

11) Have you ever experienced cheese sweats? (you’ve had too much cheese)

12) Do your children and / or pets like cheese?

13) What’s your favourite cheesy film?

14) What’s your favourite cheesy song?

15) Ultimate test: If you were offered a million pounds in cold, hard cash to give up cheese for the rest of your life, would you do it?

That’s it! Get answering and tagging!!!!

My Answers:

1) What is your favourite cheese and why? Toughie. Goat’s cheese chevré. I love the dirtiness of the after taste contrasted with the creamy / crumbly texture. And the rind. It has it all.

2) List your top 3 and describe them. Not including goat’s cheese then: Dolcelatte ….blue cheese, very soft, mild and very creamy; Manchego, dry but creamy; Epoisse, stinky to hell but lush.

3) Did you like cheese as a kid? Yes. Loved it.

4) Is there a cheese you don’t like? No. Well I can think of a rude answer but I'll stick with no. Why? Because I have respect for my readers….

5) Any bad experiences with cheese? I found a piece of sweetcorn in a cheese and mayo sandwich my mum made when I was in primary school and I’ve never been able to have those sandwiches ever again. It’s not as if I don’t like sweetcorn. The unexpectedness of it’s presence has marred me for life.

6) Do you associate a particular cheese with a specific event? List all! But of course! For my wedding day we had a wedding cake made entirely from tiers of different welsh cheeses. Christmas is of course Stilton time but sometimes I’ll order a Vacherin Mont D’or from Madame Fromage. DIVINE, darling!

My wedding "cake" of cheeses.

7) What is your favourite food to accompany your cheese? If it’s cheddar then always kalamata olives, oat cakes and sliced fresh beef tomatoes. Any other cheese, oat cakes. Fresh tomato doesn’t always work with stronger cheeses like Camembert. Maybe cucumber? I’m not into fruit and cheese though. Apple at a push. No grapes though, K?

8) What is your favourite beverage to accompany your cheese? Shiraz...but of course. But to be honest, I am happy with no drink.

9) What is your favourite way to eat cheese as an ingredient? Eg pizza, macaroni cheese, mash. Whatevs. Penne Dolcelatte! Yummers! Basically Dolcelatte melted in cream, some shredded sage & black pepper tossed up with penne pasta.

10) If you could only eat either cheese or chocolate for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Cheese. OBVS.

11) Have you ever experienced cheese sweats? (you’ve had too much cheese) Every Christmas and probably many occasions in between.

12) Do your children and / or pets like cheese? Joni isn’t a fan but she’s 3. There’s time. Gus has only just come around to it. And one of my cats loves cheese more than fresh fish. But she doesn’t get more than a tiny nibble very occasionally. It’s not good for her.

13) What’s your favourite cheesy film? OK don’t kill me. Love, Actually. The Emma Thompson story line kills me. And I love Joni Mitchell. And I want that necklace. But as I rule I despise Richard Curtis and all his white-washed, middle class twee films.

14) What’s your favourite cheesy song? Yes Sir, I can Boogie by Baccara. I’m not embarrassed by this.

15) Ultimate test: If you were offered a million pounds in cold, hard cash to give up cheese for the rest of your life, would you do it? HELL to the NO. And I am deadly serious.
Vacherin Mont D'or

I tag:

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