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Breakdown of a chaotic day.

I really struggled today. I didn’t seem to be able to achieve anything I wanted to. I thought today would be really straight forward. Nope. My brain chose chaos. Let us take stock and see what in the “escalation of nonsense” enfolded…


Original Plan for Wednesday 8th May 2024

Run with Joni on scooter to school
Run home (via another 2km)
Shower
Cycle to work
Meet A (colleague 1), set up work on my laptop whilst I do file sorting
Meet B (colleague 2) to have lunch, chat work stuff & catch up
Come home
Chill
Cook dinner
TV & bedtime nonsense
The end

If only life was so simple. The plan changed whilst Joni was eating breakfast. I got it into my head that I wanted to re-join the gym I was a member of last year. I’ve been having too many wine nights and I think I could go to gym classes in the evening instead. Alleviate the wine guilt and improve fitness. Win win.

This sets up a stupid chain of events which I retrospectively recognise as being caused by IMPULSIVENESS.

I remember a close friend goes to this gym on Wed avos. I could meet her there after lunch and do my run at the gym! I text her to suggest this. Hmmm…. I can’t go to work not showered and made up so now I have to do all that before school. But I don’t have time so I’ll just cycle home again after drop off to get stuff for the office. But I’ll wear fresh running clothes because I HAVE To do exercise later.

New plan:

Cycle Joni to school
Home
Shower
Cycle to work
Meet A (colleague 1), set up work on my laptop whilst I do file sorting
Meet B (colleague 2) to have lunch, chat work stuff & catch up
Meet C (friend) at gym
Come home
Cook dinner
TV & bedtime nonsense
The end

Get Joni to school. Come home, have a shower, lose time, don’t know how but I have 10 mins to get to the office. Get there. Set “A” up with some work. Faff about annoying another colleague about a dirty desk. Clean that. Think about starting my own work but need to answer some messages and I NEED to look up joining the gym. What should take max 5 mins takes aaaaages. I can’t find my log in for the gym app. I discover there’s a big joining fee. Look for codes to remove joining fee. Text another friend about a code.

Look around me, feel agitated that I haven’t done much work, and I am waiting to chat to “B” but she’s in another meeting. I know! I’ll go out and get lunch/coffee for us and we can catch up and have OUR meeting in the office.

Go out to get coffee. Fret about what to make for dinner. Buy ingredients for dinner (well aware that by 5pm my idea for dinner will have changed but press on nevertheless).

Buy snack instead of lunch. Go back to the office. Have snack whilst chatting. Worry about gym app. The joining fee is £25, and the membership has gone up from £15.00 to £25. When I was a member last year I went a grand total of NO times. I probably shouldn’t join the gym.

Have meeting/catch up with “B”. Actually, the only thing that went well out of the whole day.

Go back to see “A” and she hasn’t been able to finish work because the log in ran out. I have to go home now because I only work half day Wednesday and I need to run before kids come home. Feel really bad that I haven’t helped “A” complete the work or spent time with her.

Get home. I can’t get a deal for the app. Ring “C” to explain I can’t come to the gym and feel guilty for messing her around.

Sit down on sofa for what was supposed to be 5-10 mins doom scrolling before I GO OUT FOR A RUN.

An hour later I am begging myself to get off the sofa. I haven’t even taken my trainers off because I HAVE to get out and do it. Look, at this point I know this is excruciating to read. It’s excruciating to live. I hate that I’ve wasted that hour. I finally get up. Get my earphones on, an upbeat song and I am off.

I run 100 metres MAX… and I realise I am hungry. I haven’t eaten properly, and I can’t run on an empty stomach. At this point I want to punch my own face. I walk home. I will get a snack and WALK. I am going to walk and eat because it’s a lush day. And I need to exercise. It’s beautiful out. The sun is out. The river is gorgeous, the leaves are green the birds are singing.

Halfway through the walk an upbeat song comes on again. I decide to run. But it stops so I stop, and I feel LIKE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I can not do ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING with any CONSISTENCY. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

My brain is going haywire with guilt and shame and I’m feeling just so annoyed with myself and useless. I film some notes into my phone about the day so I can compose it into a post. Because even though I am beyond exhausted with it all, I KNOW I will feel better if I write it out.

And I do. It’s ridiculous. I am ridiculous. I feel completely calm now. And amused. What a doofus. Nobody got hurt and maybe I could be a little less self-critical?!

Is… this… progress???



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