Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Stop telling me I am lucky to have my husband!

I am so tired of being told how grateful I should be for my husband. I hear it all the time. Even my own Grandmother has said it to me. So what is allegedly so special about my husband?

1. My husband cooks. He will cook every night unless I want to cook something.
2. He cooked every night of both my pregnancies because I couldn’t stand the smell of ANYTHING. He also did all the washing up because it grossed me out and the washing cos I was knackered. He did virtually everything around the house.
3. He does most of the clothes washing.
4. He does the bins and the litter tray with little or no reminder.
5. He vacuums when it needs doing and not because I’ve asked.
6. He gets up with the kids every school day and gives them breakfast and gets one or both of them dressed.
7. He loves spending time with the kids and spends hours playing with them both.
8. He drives us everywhere.
9. He’s more than happy to stay in pretty much every night of the week and let me, if I wanted, go out and do whatever I like….go to an exercise class, go to the cinema, get drunk with mates etc.
10. He’s a lovely person, he’s funny, clever, handsome (in my opinion!) and he treats me with the perfect balance of respect and ridicule.
11. He doesn’t bash me in?
12. I don’t *think* he shags everything he sees?
13. He isn’t a massive racist, homophobic, sexist pig?

As you can see, by the question marks on points 11, 12 and 13, I am wondering if I am actually supposed to be grateful for these things too? Because as far as I am concerned, these are a given for me as well as the first 1-9.
Husband in "Enjoying the company of his own children" story scandal. 

I am grateful for ONE point. 10. I am grateful I met someone who I think fits this description and who feels the same way about me…. enough to want to marry me and have babies with and I am grateful that I met him so I am young enough to spend a big chunk of my life with him and our lush kids.

I am now going to address why I don’t think I should be grateful for 1-9:

1. I love cooking. I did most of the cooking except during my pregnancies both of which I spent the duration sick as a dog. I resumed cooking until I had a gastric band fitted and now I only cook occasionally because I always end up COOKING TOO MUCH! So we BOTH cook. And the only time I don’t cook is when I’m carrying a watermelon & on the verge of puking constantly or trying to save us money by not wasting food.

2. I was ill as shit during both pregnancies and then I squeezed a watermelon out my foof, had mental breakdowns in the form of PND and was an emotional & physical wreck both times. He didn’t/wasn’t.

3. He washes the clothes but he can’t fold for shit (despite trying), he has never picked up an iron (although to be fair, I rarely do) and doesn’t really do bed sheets or towels. He doesn’t BUY any clothes. He doesn’t decide what clothes NEED to be bought and when and what size and what the season dictates in terms of needs for the kids wardrobe. He doesn’t go through the drawers every so often and take out the clothes that don’t fit and then keep them in age-ordered bags to go through at a later date to decide whether they will be charity shop or hand-me-downs.

4. I’m in charge of making sure we have enough cat litter and bin liners, which sounds like a good part of the deal except it means that I organise ALL THE SHOPPING ALL THE TIME FOR EVERYTHING. It’s mostly me that notes down if we run out of anything then add it to the list, either sit at my iPad or writing my list to actually shop and remember what we need and what we will eat for the rest of the week and if we have enough snacks, toiletries, cleaning products, cat food, bog roll, nappies etc etc. I think about shopping most days.

5. He does vacuum but he’s never ever cleaned our toilet. But that’s ok because I like cleaning the bathroom (freak!) and he’s ok with vacuuming. We’re a team!

6. He has to wake up before me for work. He’s out of the house by 7.30 so he’s always awake with them in the week. I finish getting them ready and then have the sorry task of getting them actually out of the house (preferably without tantrums which is rarely) and to school on time every day. On weekends we take in turns to have lie ins.

7. I don’t think I need to address this point!

8. I have JUST failed my 5th test...go me! So I am trying. I do however cycle us wherever I can. I’m environmentally winning!

9. He thrives on his own company, just him, his guitars and all his musical computery shiz....writing songs and bashing out tunes in his little studio. I like being out with friends and chatting chatting chatting. This suits us both.

And to further that final point a bit....it is about personality types too. I am obviously not attracted to alpha male types who like their time “down the pub”, “flirting wiv da ladies” and thinking housework/cooking is women’s work. Obviously I am talking about the extreme here but really part of my being with Emlyn is because I am naturally attracted to someone who wants to treat me as an absolute equal in all things. That isn’t luck....that’s just DNA and pheromones, surely?!

And hold up a second here, why is Emlyn not lucky to have ME?! I am super hot, very funny, intelligent, I have impeccable taste and I produce gorgeous brilliant children! I bring good things to the table just as much as he does!

Seriously though, why should I be “lucky” to be receiving this complete parity? Why can I not accept this as just how it should be? Why do I need to be grateful that my husband likes his kids? We are not living in the Victorian times. Just under 100 years on from women getting the right to vote, I shouldn’t even need to be writing this. We must stop accepting old values as OK.

Each household is different obviously. And I am not dictating here that a man needs to do the dishes for your partnership to be equal. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors (unless one of you writes a confessional style blog...ahem). If you do the lion’s share of the work but your partner works from 7am to midnight or whatever then that’s a totally different situation to mine and incomparable. And I am not casting judgement on those other partnerships either. What works for you, works for you.

But however your relationship works, if it’s different to mine or not, please don’t tell me I’m lucky.  


BritMums

38 comments :

  1. I won't say that you're lucky, I just think that you're a great time who fit together perfectly. You obviously love each other and the family you have made. What I will say is that you're lucky to have found each other. Your relationship would be what I aspire to if I wanted a relationship! Happy single mum as I didn't find the one, just thought I did. He'd never have done half those things!

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  2. well said! I have had the same comments directed at me (and from the same person!) - because we look at our relationship as a partnership - we each do what we are good at and look after each other. Marriage should be a team and if we are lucky it is because we have found the right person to be with.

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  3. Lucy @bottlefor213 May 2015 at 13:04

    Brilliant Jess! What an excellent choice you both made! I'm also 'lucky' with my lovely husband, but I do like to think it was skill on my part! And similarly, I also do lots of the things you do, and was hot once, not so much at the moment... But he still loves me the most in the whole wide world (I quote) all the same! Lucy@bottlefor2 x

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  4. Haha! Aw lush! We have both made good choices! Yey! Clever us!

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  5. Yes absolutely we are lucky to have found each other. And for each other's love. Thank you Hannah. Xxx

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    1. Both you and your husband are lucky to have found each other... So that's luck. IMO.
      Some ppl just say "lucky u!" it's an expression that people are envious and wish they were in your shoes. It's nothing offensive about saying how lucky you are.

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  6. I have a husband similar to yours, only blonde. Like you I'm frequently told how lucky I am. And I smile and agree. IF people want to think it was luck and not me that enabled me to fall in love with and then marry this incredible man, then they can't think that. You and I know different :)

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  7. Feck it, I'm lucky too! Like you and Mr Helicopter, me the the Mr are a great team and I wouldn't have it any other way! x

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  8. Rachel In Real Life13 May 2015 at 15:01

    HEAR FUCKING HEAR! I am told ALL THE TIME that I am lucky to have my husband for scarily similar reasons to you. He does the clothes washing (but doesn't iron or put the clothes away), he did all the cooking until he changed jobs meaning he couldn't, he is happy at home while I got 4 or 5 nights a week, he drives me everywhere (because I can't drive)... I could go on. What about me?! I chose him just as much as he chose me. x

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  9. Ooh I think it's about so much more than luck - it's about your temperament and his, it's about timing and upbringing and enlightenment and love and attraction and respect. It's about all these things coming together and then each being prepared to work as a team. It's telling that you feel so many people comment on you having been "lucky" and I'm afraid it's a sad indictment on the rest of us in truth - there is a certain amount of envy in the mix and envy is a negative emotion so it's no surprise that you feel the need to set the record straight! I think you and your husband will be fab role models for the munchkins :-) Thanks for linking #thetruthabout X

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  10. You're lucky. Lucky you were born so far after me you don't have to watch Emlyn and me fight over you, lol!! I love, love, love how logical and right you are about stuff, Jess.

    If people followed this logic, they should all sit around saying, "Ooo, she's unlucky---she's dating a pig. She might even accidentally move in with him, if the chips fall a certain way. I think she might even spend the rest of her life with him. Some people just have bad luck. Poor dear"

    You are lucky because you have enough self worth to choose correctly? Bollocks!

    There is one way some of us can be lucky. Lucky in our choice of parents. Parents that pattern self-respect and self-love. And lucky in being born so close to food and water, rather than in miserable, near-death conditions. And those are serious streaks of luck that a lot of the world doesn't have. But we aren't lucky when we make healthy choices.

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  11. Thanks Bill! And yes we are very lucky that we live comfortable lives. I think it is about choices!

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  12. Sam thank you for such a lovely comment! Xxx

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  13. That's it my lovely, we are a team. Xxxx

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  14. We do indeed! I'm just a bit more shouty about it! :) xxxx

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  15. You chose wisely, grasshopper!

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  16. Sounds like you're a perfect team to me :)

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  17. Great post. And if positions were reversed, would anybody think to say to your husband, you're so lucky to have a wife that cooks, cleans, irons, plays with the children blah blah blah.

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  18. Nope, exactly! Thanks Sherry. X

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  19. I need to whip my husband into shape, we often row over him not doing enough and I do feel that he is taking the piss slightly now that I am on maternity leave, he seems to think he doesn't have to do anything.

    It isn't that you're lucky though, it is that my husband is a lazy git who needs a poke in the eye now and again!

    Leanne - A Slice of My Life Wales

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  20. Great post. You are not lucky that your partner does all of those things. You deserve it. xx

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  21. Haha! Leanne! You go poke him in the eye! (That made me laugh in bed last night!) Maternity leave is for looking after babies.... That's a flipping full time job! Xxxx

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  22. Cardiff Mummy Says17 May 2015 at 14:47

    Yes, this is so true! My husband is good around the house and people always makes comments on it when he cooks or cleans or whatever. But no one ever says how amazing I am for doing all those things all the blinking time! x

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  23. Thanks Cathryn. btw you are SO good at commenting! :) XXxx

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  24. Haha this made me giggle and so true. My husband cooks, does the washing, plays with the kids, does breakfast bla bla bla but he will hang the washing out and dump it on the bed when its dry... screwed up and I have to put it away and sort it to all 3 bedrooms! Not sure who gets the worse deal there :) haha x

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  25. YES! Exactly that! *rolls eyes* :) Xx

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  26. Yes exactly! I love this! I posted a photo of my husband reading a bedtime story to our children on Facebook and the comments were how lucky I was?! Do we really undervalue fathers that much that we don't even expect them to read to their children as normal? Am I lucky? Is he going above and beyond because he reads to his children? No, he's carrying out his dad tasks, just as I carry out my mom tasks every single day. I'm not lucky! We both have a partnership and a family that we both work equally hard at every day to make it work. I put as much effort in as him. Some people need reminding that this is the 21st Century!

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  27. Again you guys sound a lot like us! I refuse to infantilise men, they are perfectly capable of doing this! I'm not grateful, we are a team.

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