Thursday 8 September 2016

Nobody Needs to Know If You Want Kids.

I’m gonna sum up this post with a little pop quiz before delving into the nitty gritty.



Are you a woman? Do/did you want kids? = JUDGEMENT REGARDLESS OF ANSWER.

Are you a man? Do/did you want kids? = JUDGEMENT? Not so much.

I just watched a segment on daytime TV behemoth This Morning, about the pressures of being a childless woman which stemmed from NicolaSturgeon announcing that she’s suffered a miscarriage in 2011. Does Nicola Sturgeon suffering a miscarriage have an effect on your perception of her as a human? Does it have an effect on your opinion of her ability to do her job?

Sadly I think the answer for most is yes and yes. “Yes I feel like we see a more relatable side to her now we know she WANTED to have kids but has not been able to.” This is because it’s seen in our society as a natural, instinctive response to being a woman...the desire to have kids. Women who don’t want to are often castigated as cold-hearted career women. SELFISH even in wanting to have a career over producing sproglettes.

And perhaps something like: “yes I feel like, because she has experienced the pain of miscarriage, therefore she will have a broader perspective from which to lead from”.

This makes me very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.

So in this situation, if you’ve read my stuff before you’ll know that when it comes to gender issues I like to apply the “what’s the result if we swapped the woman for a man in the same situation?”. This is my default for sniffing out patriarchal bullshit. Would your opinion of say, *Sadiq Khan be affected if you knew whether or not he wanted kids? Or that lunatic opinion-divider Boris Johnson? Or even all-round good egg Justin Trudeau? I think perhaps if they DID want kids that would have a positive effect on your opinion, sure. Probably not as much as if they were women though. But if they didn’t…. I don’t think it would make much difference at all to public opinion. Because society doesn’t have some ludicrous outlook that men who want to pursue their careers single-mindedly are selfish. I don’t think it would even be a discussion.

*for the record, they all have kids. This is purely hypothetical!

I want to know, for the love of god, why in 2016 we are discussing a woman in power’s decision to have kids?! It is wholeheartedly IRRELEVANT. It actually DOESN’T have anything to do with her ability to do her job. Any job. Even being a nanny, teacher, mid-wife. She does not NEED to state her reasons for remaining kid free. EVER. Whether she can’t or whether she doesn’t want to. Irrelevant. None of our business. Please let’s stop making it a thing. Let’s stop being shocked, or intrigued, or any level of anything other than being blindly accepting when you discover a woman is kid free.

I’m going to let a little controversial opinion here slip. I once read an article (which try as I might, I just can’t find to link to) which was a series of mini interviews with women who hold really important, interesting, diverse, fulfilling roles in society. It was like a top 10 thing. All of them were asked about their greatest achievements. To my utter shock, 9 / 10 of them said their children. I have to say I was horrified! Now before you think I am a total heartless kid-hating lunatic…. I was horrified because I know, KNOW that a man would never ever have said his kids. When the article was supposed to be focusing on their career success...I just felt like their PERSONAL achievement of bringing kids into the world wasn’t relevant to the article.

Please don’t misunderstand me. My kids are my absolute number 1. They are the most important thing to me in the world. Of course they are. And of course they are for these women too. I completely understand that. But I don’t believe they should be labelled as a number one achievement when some of these women had done amazing things in their lives. Their child rearing abilities has no bearing on what they have given to society through their work. With the exception of them rearing a serial killer, obvs….

The point is, as a society I think we should steer away from mixing ability/desire to have kids and career ability. They do not co-exist. Whilst we are playing the childless off against the child-laden then we are never going to achieve a level playing field. Just stop. Nobody needs to know if you have kids and nobody needs to know if you want them. 

18 comments :

  1. Really interesting Jess. I must admit it did make Theresa May instantly more likeable to me when she mentioned that she had wanted kids but it sadly hadn't happened. Not because I judged her for not having them, it just made her more relatable to me. I wonder if you canvassed the opinions of men on the same issue whether they would care if she had wanted children or not. I'm thinking that they would be less bothered.

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    1. That's it. I think loads of people think it makes her more human and i totally understand that. But would it make a man more human and relatable? I dunno. It's hard one. Xxx

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  2. I think Nicola Sturgeon is a fantastic politician and I was so sad to hear about her miscarriage because I've been there and it's awful. But I agree with you that there are complete double standards when it comes to men and women and the expectation that firstly women 'should' want kids and secondly that people think it is okay to ask them. As long as they do a good job, then that should be enough. x

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    1. I think she's great too. I've just used her confession as an example. :)

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  3. It's a difficult subject because people try to relate to others. Those who really want children find it difficult to imagine others having a different choice. There are those that have no choice too. I was married for 7 years before I had children totally through choice and I was continually asked when I was going to start a family.

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    1. Yeah I know that. It's a very emotive subject for some and I am not denying that. But the problem i think is that it shouldn't even have been brought up in the first place because I don't think a man would have brought it up. I wonder if women will ever stop being asked the question! :)

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  4. I love changing it to a male subject, this is something I often talk about. I have no idea what type of politician she will make in the end, but her baby making skills are not in the picture for me. I had a conversation with a girl friend once, we had just hit 40 and her body clock wasn't ticking. She asked if I thought she should have children. My response was to ask if it was something she really wanted? Because society says we should, but that shouldn't be why we reproduce?! My greatest achievement is my children, but that's because I went through hell to be able to reproduce! (also, I haven't done anything great in my life, other than that). Hope that makes sense! x

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    1. Yeah me too! I;ve done bugger all except have kids so they are my number one acheivement too! But if i was the first female leader of the scottish independant party then I might be pegging that as i my number one. Great comment Jo! Xxx

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  5. Very interesting read. I must say I warmed to her more when I knew she had kids. Not sure why. Maybe because I could relate to her as she was a parent like me. I don't think my judgment on her character had anything to do with her ability to do her job. But as you say we'd never even question these things if it was a man. The public wouldn't care less whether they were a parent or not. It's bizzare x

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  6. So many good points here, Jess. If a male politician said they'd wanted children but it hasn't happened I would feel for them, but it doesn't have quite the same effect as if it was a woman. On the other hand, I wouldn't judge a woman who didn't want children and I know plenty who say they don't. Maybe they'll Chang their minds, maybe they won't, but that's their choice.

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  7. You made some great points; I love my kids but I'm not defined by them x

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  8. To be honest I hadn't thought about it, but now that I read this I realise in many ways I do feel like I relate better to someone who wants, wanted or has had kids, maybe just because I can't imagine not wanting them. I feel guilty acknowledging that as it really shouldn't matter, and I would say it would only be an initial judgement though, once I got to know and appreciate the woman for other qualities it wouldn't matter to me anymore. I don't think it affects how someone does there job though! I think it is incredibly rude though to ask people why they don't have or want a child. The same as people ask someone with only one child when are they having the next one! It is none of anyones business. People often feel so entitled to comment on others lives without facts, putting their own opinions on to others. Even when I was expecting my third child everyone assumed and felt free to comment that my husband must only want son after having two daughters, um it's none of their business and also NO he actually just wanted another child and had told me he would be so excited to have 3 girls. Anyway I am rambling on, great topic though!

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    1. Hahaha I love your rambling! Thank you for such a considered response! It's very rude to ask people, who knows what situation they are in! Xxx

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  9. I love kids and I love to play with them all the day.But many of the people can not find the opportunities to become parents for the betterment of the environment.There are many reasons why the people can learn more inspirational speeches for getting motivated to have a kid.

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