Tuesday, 17 March 2015

My Biggest Post-Birth Fear

One of the things I dreaded post childbirth was the state of my downstairs department. It’s a pathetic thing to be worried about in the grand scheme of things. Especially if it takes precedence over whether you’ll be a worthy mum and whether or not you can create children that are not psychopathic etc.

But I’ve always been quite proud of my downstairs bits. I’ve had quite a few compliments and definitely no complaints. I worried: would it be obliterated by squeezing a watermelon out of it? I mean, I’d seen a documentary with one of those funny, cool girl presenters who you wish you’d been bezzie mates with at school (Anna Richardson, Dawn O’Porter you know the ones I mean) and I’m pretty sure SOMEONE on there had said SOMETHING like it not being too bad afterwards. I pinned all of hopes on that one opinion. I wanted my vah-jay-jay to be in the exact same state afterwards as it was beforehand.

Well that was a bit naïve wasn’t it?

Throughout my first pregnancy I noticed I was a bit trickily when I was laughing or coughing which was slightly alarming! I had no idea things got “trickily”. But then I was warned that my baby was measuring large and that his head was off the 90th centile I was almost begging for a C-Section! When it was time to have him, I’d had to be induced early at 38 weeks (his head measured 41 weeks at that point!). It meant a long drawn out horrendous process including lots of drugs and forceps. I’d had to have a 2nd degree episiotomy and had a load of stitches. To be fair, I healed with no drama and was back on it at the suggested 6 week mark, much to the delight of my husband. (Did anybody else’s husband get the super horn post birth?) And he was happy enough that not much had changed down there which in turn delighted me too.

Attending regular Zumba classes (yes I really am that cliché) or anytime I got a bad cough I was reminded that things weren’t completely back to normal.  I had to be quite careful of a random star jump or unexpected coughing fit.

Soon it was pregnancy number two and things took a much steeper turn for the worse. I carried extra amniotic fluid during the pregnancy and my weight was at an all-time high, which put extra strain on my long suffering bladder. And yet again I had a baby whose head was measuring off the scale! Why me?! That coupled with the fact that during the labour I chose to ignore all the midwives’ suggestions of taking it slowly to push her out. I just squeezed her out in a few very hard pushes meaning that my hoo-ha was like a burst Chesterfield afterwards. It didn’t help that I had a student nurse had to stitch me up whilst being SUPERVISED (that’s got to strike the fear of god into anyone).

Afterwards it became apparent that things were very different. Things inside felt engorged and spongey. And “trickling” became actually just doing some wee on a much more regular basis and with less encouragement. I was gutted! My biggest fear had been realised! My perfect hoo-hoo has left the building!

I did have to go to the doctors and find out that I had a partial prolapsed front vaginal wall (horrendous). I was referred to a physiotherapist and told to download the “Squeezy” app onto my iPhone. But actually 16 months down the line, and a good few stone lighter, things aren’t as bad as I’d feared. You’ll all be thrilled to know that my sex life hasn’t been affected by the physical change in my anatomy and I’ve also got used to being a pant wetter. You just have to learn to be prepared!

It really isn’t the end of the world that things are physically different now. It’s probably a good thing that my main concern post birth has been the health and welfare of my children and not how big the wet patch is on the back of my dress when I get off my bike in the morning. And a bonus for me, being the chronic over sharer that I am, is being able to talk about the state of my vagina with complete strangers.

Motherhood does strange things to people doesn’t it?

And then the fun began...
Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com


  1. Sarah Howe @runjumpscrap18 March 2015 at 15:23

    Great post. It's a shame eh but one of the amazing side effects of motherhood. (My left boob is actually pathetic...so much the nipple has sank a bit!!) It's great you are so positive though and not too affected now. I think I occasionally leak a bit when jumping about. I'm going to have to do my pelvic floor more times next time around!!! xxx

  2. Oh no! Naughty left boob. Yeah let's not even discuss my pair of spaniels ears! Glad you liked Sarah! Xx

  3. Ooh I know exactly what you mean about the zumba (and the coughing!). I kept Tena in business during my second pregnancy when I developed a horrendous cold & cough in the second trimester. I really thought even a heavy duty pad was on the verge of exploding the day of my 20 week scan. Mm never quite managed those pelvic floor exercises... Thanks for linking up with #thetruthabout Xx

  4. Haha! Exploding pad!!! Fantastic! Xx

  5. Poor you! I had a prolapse with number one as well and have been doing physio. They have some pretty interesting techniques/tools, don't they?! I'm going to look into the squeezy app, too. x

  6. Thanks for this post- I love it!

    I'm about to pop with my second baby any day now, and after having a c-section the first time I'm terrified of what passing a melon will do to me, both in short term pain and long term bed-wetting.

    Your post has made me laugh (perhaps the last laugh without light bladder leakage?!).

    Also your use of hoo-has and vah-jay-jays makes me think you are the perfect person to ask advice on what should we call our kids' private parts? I need help! http://www.mummymuddler.com/children/what-should-we-name-our-kids-private-parts/

  7. Haha! Abby I loved your post too! I dunno... Mummy I hurt my vulva!!! Hahahahaha! No idea! We have to think of something too... I knew it as front bottom but I've yet to come to an acceptable conclusion! Foo foo! (Maybe not....) :D

  8. I really need to get back on the Squeezy! And re book and appointment with the physio! Thanks for stopping by! Xx

  9. This made me laugh I almost peed my pants. They don't tend to mention this much do they until about 25 weeks in and then suddenly there's nothing you can do but wait to see how your vag turns out, bit like baking a cake. I was lucky in a way, I had a tiny baby and although I had an episiotomy things were not that different. I try and do the pelvic floor but I have to think where I'm doing it or else I get funny looks as my face must be a picture. Xx

  10. Hahah! I want to see the look! :P xxx

  11. Oooh good luck! :) thanks for commenting! Xx

  12. I thought this was going to be a light hearted post about the state of your lady garden! :) I do understand the new ability to overshare about anything gynecological - all embarrassment has gone out of the window! I'm glad everything got sorted for you though, it's one of those things no-one ever seems to tell you about pre-birth. #StayClassyMama

    1. Well it's definitely still supposed to be light hearted! No one wants to read serious things about the state of their Noo noos! Hehe! Thanks for reading! :)

  13. This is brilliant, your writing makes me laugh very much, which isn't great for old non existent pelvic floor ;-) Great to discover your blog and vlogs lately on the back of you telling an embarrassing story at BML...


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