Sunday, 4 September 2016

Term time Mornings vs School Holidays

Term time mornings:l

5am: Cats wake up, have mental 10 mins, run up and down the stairs, fight each other, jump on parents heads. Parents shout at cats. Go back to sleep.

6am: 6 yr old bursts into bedroom and/or makes loud “playing” noises outside bedroom door to alert parents of presence.

6.05am: Parents shout at child to keep noise down.

6.06am: Child maintains levels of noise.

6.10am: One parent gets up scares child downstairs with sleep-riddled anger and promises unfettered use of iPad for half an hour more sleep.

6.45am: Alarm goes off in parents room.

6.50am: Snooze goes off.

6.55am: Snooze goes off.

7.00am: Snooze goes off, Mummy belts Daddy with pillow to turn it off and get up.

7.05am: Daddy wakes 2 yr old.

7.06am: Daddy & children have breakfast.

7.20am: Daddy drags Mummy from bed and alerts her to her need to parent.

7.25am: Daddy goes to work, Mummy looks at social media on phone through blurry eyes.

7.45am: Kids downstairs arguing, Mummy realises time, panics, gets in shower.

7.46am: Both kids come upstairs and into bathroom with requests for wees & drinks, arguments and to throw things in shower.

8.00am: Mummy leaves bathroom with kids in tow, arguing. Attempts to get ready.

8.05am: Mummy loses shit, screams both to get downstairs.

8.06am: 6 yr has strop, 2 yr is crying. Mummy tries to get ready.

8.15am: 6 yr has reluctantly gone downstairs. 2 yr old still crying. Mummy simultaneously has guilt and anger issues. Tries to finish getting ready.

8.25am: Mummy is downstairs. Kids are fighting. Thinks about breakfast. Does hollow laugh. Runs around like a blue-arsed fly. Asks kids to put on shoes and coats. Looks for keys, phone, purse, lunch money, book bag...everything she should have organised night before.

8.35am: Mummy now screaming at kids to put shoes and coats on, whilst putting hers on, sweating and raging at her own lateness and blaming the kids.

8.38am: Mummy puts kids coats and shoes on kids.

8.42am: Leave house for school. Late. Everyone is furious and crying.

9.15am: 6 yr old in school, 2 yr old at child-minder, Mummy nursing coffee at desk in work feeling wrecked but free.


5am: Cats are bastards, parents yell at cats.

5.05am: Cats have woken 6 yr old. 6 yr old joins in with cats atrocious, attention-seeking behaviour.

5.06am: Dad threatens 6 yr old back to bed.

5.20am: 6yr old sneaks downstairs and plays on iPad. For hours.

7.25am: Daddy has got himself ready and breakfasted and off to work in relative peace.

8am: 2 yr old wakes, Mummy grabs her for cuddles in bed. 2 yr old is giggly and wriggly and bashes Mummy’s face lots of times and shatters her illusions of sleepy lie-in cuddles.

8.05am: Mummy gives up, gets up, has wee, cleans teeth all with 2 yr old commentary.

8.10am: Mummy gives 2 yr old breakfast, 6 yr old is grumpy and overtired and demanding second breakfast.

8.11am: 2yr old looks at 6 yr old. All hell breaks lose and everyone is fighting and crying.

9.00am: Kids are still fighting. Mummy on second pot of coffee.

10.00am: Kids are still fighting. Mummy tries several “activities” that won’t end in fighting.

10.01am: All activities end in fighting. Mummy goes for shower. Kids follow.

10.15am: Kids still in Pjs. Kids still fighting. Mummy wet, in towel, stares desolately out at the rain. Questions her decision to have kids.

11am: Takes kids out to argue in public. Stay out allll day to avoid cabin fever and murder.

5.29am: Mummy and kids arrive home, ravaged.

5.30am: Daddy comes home, nerve-jangled Mummy runs upstairs to hide in bedroom with lap top and draws breath to prepare for bed time routine.

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