Term time mornings vs hol
5am: Cats wake up, have mental 10 mins, run up and down the stairs, fight each other, jump on parents heads. Parents shout at cats. Go back to sleep.
6am: 6 yr old bursts into bedroom and/or makes loud “playing” noises outside bedroom door to alert parents of presence.
6.05am: Parents shout at child to keep noise down.
6.06am: Child maintains levels of noise.
6.10am: One parent gets up scares child downstairs with sleep-riddled anger and promises unfettered use of iPad for half an hour more sleep.
6.45am: Alarm goes off in parents room.
6.50am: Snooze goes off.
6.55am: Snooze goes off.
7.00am: Snooze goes off, Mummy belts Daddy with pillow to turn off and get up.
7.05am: Daddy wakes 2 yr old.
7.06am: Children & Daddy have breakfast.
7.20am: Daddy drags Mummy from bed and alerts her to her need to parent.
7.25am: Daddy goes to work, Mummy looks at social media on phone, through blurry eyes.
7.45am: Kids downstairs arguing, Mummy realises time, panics, gets in shower.
7.46am: Both kids come upstairs and into bathroom with requests for wees & drinks, arguments and throw things in shower.
8.00am: Mummy leaves bathroom with kids in tow, arguing. Attempts to get ready.
8.05am: Mummy loses shit, screams both to get downstairs.
8.06am: 6 yr has strop, 2 yr is crying. Mummy tries to get ready.
8.15am: 6 yr has reluctantly gone downstairs. 2 yr old still crying. Mummy simultaneously has guilt and anger issues. Tries to finish getting ready.
8.25am: Mummy is downstairs. Kids are fighting. Thinks about breakfast. Does hollow laugh. Runs around like a blue-arsed fly. Asks kids to put on shoes and coats. Looks for keys, phone, purse, lunch money, book bag...everything she should have organised night before.
8.35am: Mummy now screaming at kids to put shoes and coats on, whilst putting hers on, sweating and raging at her own lateness and blaming the kids.
8.38am: Mummy puts kids coats and shoes on kids.
8.42am: Leave house for school. Late. Everyone is furious and crying.
9.15am: 6 yr old in school, 2 yr old at child-minder, Mummy nursing coffee at desk in work feeling wrecked but free.
5am: Cats are bastards, parents yell at cats.
5.05am: Cats have woken 6 yr old. 6 yr old joins in with cats atrocious, attention-seeking behaviour.
5.06am: Dad threatens 6 yr old back to bed.
5.20am: 6yr old sneaks downstairs and plays on iPad. For hours.
7.25am: Daddy has got himself ready and breakfasted and off to work in relative peace.
8am: 2 yr old wakes, Mummy grabs her for cuddles in bed. 2 yr old is giggly and wriggly and bashes Mummy’s face lots of times and shatters her illusions of sleepy lie-in cuddles.
8.05am: Mummy gives up, gets up, has wee, cleans teeth all with 2 yr old commentary.
8.10am: Mummy gives 2 yr old breakfast, 6 yr old is grumpy and overtired and demanding second breakfast.
8.11am: 2yr old looks at 6 yr old. All hell breaks lose and everyone is fighting and crying.
9.00am: Kids are still fighting. Mummy on second pot of coffee.
10.00am: Kids are still fighting. Mummy tries several “activities” that won’t end in fighting.
10.01am: All activities end in fighting. Mummy goes for shower. Kids follow.
10.15am: Kids still in Pjs. Kids still fighting. Mummy wet, in towel, stares desolately out at the rain. Questions her decision to have kids.
11am: Takes kids out to argue in public. Stay out allll day to avoid cabin fever and murder.
5.29am: Mummy and kids arrive home, ravaged.
5.30am: Daddy comes home, nerve-jangled Mummy runs upstairs to hide in bedroom with lap top and draws breathe to prepare for bed time routine.