Tuesday 20 June 2017

Wobbly but Naked - Embrace it!

I love being naked. Just gimme some hot, hot heat and I’ll strip in a jiff! Are you beach ready yet? Or are you a quivering mess of bodily self-hatred, meekly prodding at your orange peel thighs with an increasing feeling of dread and horror that as the temperature sores you will be forced to bear these bad boys to the big bad judgey-mc judgepants world?

Well I am here to tell you…. DON’T BE THAT GUY!*


I want to tell you that it doesn’t matter! No one REALLY cares what you look like. At the beach no one really will be scrutinising your love handles or baulking over your muffin top. Everyone is far more interested in what THEY look like! So be the winner and say STUFF it….and get those chubby bits out!

On honeymoon in Sardinia. No fucks given. 

It will feel weird and scary to begin with…. It’s natural to feel like you’re being judged when you do something new…but remember, there’s probably NO ONE actually watching and the rewards are ace! Be BRAVE! It’s the just first hurdle you need to get over. Just pop that t-shirt off and sit back, relax and realise no one has any fucks to give about it. Least of all your kids who see you as a MUMTRONor DADTRON.

Embracing the chub. Showing OFF the chub even

Once you’ve done a bit of flesh baring…you’ll realise how BRILLIANT it is. It’s so freeing! Next step…get in the sea or in the pool and whip off your bikini top. Ok so I’m not advocating doing this at the local swimming baths…perhaps if you have a private pool with your holiday villa or choose a bit of sea that’s empty… the feeling of free boobies in the water is a joy that can rarely be reproduced! I’m sure it must feel similar to lightly bobbing testes in the undulating swell! Lovely!  

Topless a step too far? Well ease yourself in. Perhaps just try lying in your garden with more bits out than you’d normally share with the world. And build up to being naked or MORE naked from there. Only YOU can be the orchestrator of your own bodily freedom!

Ooh I’m starting to sound like the Gok Wan of blogging! Except I haven’t mentioned “empowerment, darling”… yet.

OK so seriously, I know it’s easier said than done…. I’ve already stated that I like being naked. My parents were always naked around us. It wasn’t even a thing to them. (Much to my horror as teenager, obviously, but I got over it). They weren’t crazy naturists…I think we went to a nudist camp when I was 6 months old but that was as far as their public nudity foray went. And for cripes’ sake, it WAS the 70s!  Everyone was hairy and naked at some point in that decade! So I think that just gave me a lack of self-consciousness about nakedness from a very early age.

Me, naked at 6 weeks old!

I wasn’t an overweight kid or teenager so perhaps I may have been more self-conscious if I had been. However, in my early 20s I put on a lot of weight. I was no longer acceptable as a naked / scantily-clad person in public. But although I knew my body was disgusting to other people (and to be fair, I felt it was disgusting too) it didn’t stop me going to the beach and wearing a bikini or going swimming regularly.

It’s not that I think I look amazing. I don’t walk around in hot pants and crop tops. I do dress to hide some of the wobbliest bits and enhance the less wobbly. It’s just that, when I get somewhere where I want to be naked (pool, beach, back garden).... it's like a switch goes off in my head. An “I don’t care” switch. And out it all comes!

Also it’s sometimes the more practical option…. I often do the housework naked on the weekends because I get too hot and then have a shower and dress afterwards. Common sense innit?

I am the same around my kids…. They will see me naked forever, unless it makes them feel uncomfortable. I don’t intend hosting birthday parties in the buff but you know what I mean. I want to be as good an example to them as my parents were to me.

So you see, you could be doing it for them too! Teach them to not be ashamed of their bodies! Hooray!

Now how about it? Put down your tea, gingerly step out into the back garden and fling off that top! YES! FREE THE BOOBIES!!! And then come right back here and tell me it doesn’t feel amazing!!!!! Go! NOW!!!

*wiggles naked boobies and wobbly belly*


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