Christmas
is without a shadow of a doubt my favourite time of year. I am super
lucky because growing up my family really invested in creating
traditions and making it a magical time of year for us. Not with
money, we didn’t have much of that growing up, but just with making
such a big fuss of the season. So for me it’s still a magical time
of celebration, happiness and fun with the added bonus of living that
magic vicariously through my children.
But
this year, something changed. The stress outweighed the excitement of
the season and I almost had a breakdown. I started to have panic
attacks and I had to go and see my *counsellor to get me through the
holidays. I can’t say I actually decompressed until several days
after Christmas day, despite having lovely times in between. But I
just wanted it to be over. I couldn’t cope with the weight of
expectation laid so heavily at my door. Laid at the door of the wife,
the daughter, the mother, the granddaughter, the daughter-in-law. And
that’s why I think it’s a feminist issue.
What
was it this year that felt too much for me and why is it a feminist
issue? Because I did it all. I did it all, on my own. As do so many
other mums, daughters, daughter-in-laws, wives. And this year it was
too much for me.
I’ve
stated before that my husband and I are a team. We share all
household/child responsibilities equally. It’s ace. But the running
of extra curricular stuff is always up to me. I mostly want it this
way. I like to have control, I feel like my memory retention for
things like birthdays and school work is better and I am more
invested in our social lives because my husband would probably be
happy living as a hermit (with us and the cats, obvs).
This
year I realised that I don’t think some of our partners have any
idea of what goes into the organisation of a Christmas season. And
from talking to other mum’s, I know this is most definitely not my
experience alone.
I
saw a light-hearted segment on This Morning where they bought in a
blokey bloke who claimed to do Christmas himself and bragging that he
got it all tied up by shopping at 5.30pm on Christmas eve...and a
snorting woman, who was the other extreme, and pretty hostile and
derisive to the boasty/deluded bloke. Not helpful! The points made
were that women make a big fuss about everything and that it’s easy
and blokes could do it with little to no effort. Eamon then
underlined his point by saying: “I just want it to be simple, like
when I was a boy.” To which Ruth replied: “Yes, when your mother
did everything.” Touché Ruth.
There
are several points to be made here. Firstly, there is an assumption
that we put pressure on ourselves to to make everything perfect,
sparkly and special, as if that’s what we alone desire. That we
don’t HAVE to go to so much effort to lay a nice Christmas table or
pack a pretty present with a bow. The effort we go to isn’t to
fulfil our own glittery expectations but that of our
families...specifically the children’s. There’s also increasing
pressure from social media to do things we never had as a child, elf on a shelf, Christmas eve boxes etc. A mum the other day told me her
kid had asked her why they didn’t have an elf on the shelf!
Secondly
as much as your partner may protest at you bringing stress on
yourself with all the effort, has he ever told you the tree is over
dressed? The decorations are too much? The lovely wrapping paper is
too gaudy, you have too many Christmas cards, the food is too
delicious, the presents are too shit and thoughtless? But these are
minutiae in comparison to the real effort that goes behind the
organisation of Christmas.
These
are things I’ve heard being said by male partners at Christmas:
“You
are going to too much effort! You don’t have to invite family, I
don’t care. You don’t have to send my family cards / presents /
photo calendars. You don’t have to invite them for lunch / dinner /
to stay.”
It’s
not that simple though is it? Unless you genuinely dislike your
partner’s family and really wish to banish them from your lives,
you will always make the effort. Not just for his relationships’
sake but for the sake of your kids’ relationships with said
relatives. The maintenance of familial bonds almost always lies with
the wife / mother / daughter.
“I
don’t care about presents. Don’t get me ANYTHING”
Has
anyone ever actually been brave enough to do this? To actually get
your partner NOTHING to open on Christmas day? Whilst everyone else
sits in their own tornado of wrapping paper? And how has that gone
down?
“Just
tell me what do, and I’ll do it!”
Firstly,
it isn’t just a matter of “doing”. It’s thinking, planning,
booking, ordering, paying, wrapping, packing, sending….the list
goes on. The actual “doing” part is usually the bit at the end
which requires no thought, effort and very little time. Therefore
it’s usually pointless and too late.
My
Christmas stress breakdown this year wasn’t caused by my partner
not pulling his weight. Whilst I was fretting and doing ALL THE
CHRISTMAS THINGS, he was quietly behind me doing the washing,
cleaning the kitchen, feeding the kids… doing his bit. There were
also some stress-inducing
situations, it was a super busy time of year at work, and one of my
children decided now was a good to time to give
up on sleep and develop a teenage attitude problem to rival Sid
in Toy Story and as a result I got a bout of insomnia too.
But
even with the support of my husband, it’s a tough time of year for
us Mamas. And for many, I think it’s still a feminist issue. There
is definitely a disparity in gender roles at this time of year.
Below
is a little (not little) time line of the things I did in the run up
to Christmas. The list is pretty long. It might be quite dull to read
and it’s not essential to the post. Some of it people will deem
unnecessary, a waste of money/time. There are definitely things I
won’t be doing again to save my own sanity. There will be lots of
things on there that most mums do every year however. Enjoy!
*Let
me put a little disclaimer: when I walked into my counsellors’
office, the first thing I did was blurt out how ridiculous I felt
having panic attacks because I couldn’t cope with Christmas. And
how of all the Western-First-World-Middle-Class problems there out
there, this had to be pushing for top. I am aware this could sound
crazy to others who have lost people they love at Christmas, or are
in hospital with loved ones at Christmas or any of the plethora of
other, “PROPER” reasons to be stressed/anxious at Christmas. My
counsellor told me this statement was unhelpful for addressing my own
anxiety. I still felt like an idiot nevertheless.
 |
| That's me, sifting through the kid's pressies, trying to write a list of who sent what. Mum in apron behind me going to check potatoes. What else do you see? |
A
timeline of Christmas tasks for 2017
Previous
December 26th/27th
Brace
sales IRL (in real life) or online to search sales for next year’s:
1)
wrapping paper
2)
Christmas cards
3)
Christmas pjs for kids
4)
Christmas jumpers / or outfits for kids
5)
Crackers / any decs / lights that have broken
6)
New Family Calendar for coming year (which you’ll spend ages
transferring all birthdays / significant events / term dates / inset
days onto)
September
Start
thinking about Christmas pressies and panicking about where the money
will come from.
Sort
secret Santa in work/help decide venue for Christmas meal/quiz etc.
October
Book
father Christmas visit as soon as tickets go on sale. (Super popular
venue)
Panic
more about lack of funds. Shop around for credit cards.
November
Apply
for credit card. Await it’s arrival nervously
Start
buying THOUGHTFUL presents for all extended family members (12 people).
Buy
stocking presents (non thoughtful!)
Arrange
& Book venue for blogger Christmas meet up
Buy
presents for kids and husband.
Help
Dad buy presents for Mum.
Spend
a fortune / painstaking hours creating online photo calendars from
the last 12 months for older relatives.
Buy
stuff for Christmas Eve box
Take
kids to Winter Wonderland.
Buy
advent calendars
Sell
100 Scout stamps
Book
Christmas shop slot. Leave it too late, get rubbish “click and
collect” Asda slot
(this
requires thinking about all the food and drink we will need over
Christmas period)
December
Take
proceeds of sold stamps back to Scout hut. Feel guilted into sorting
Scout post after work. Have strop with Scout
leader and don’t go.
Write
Christmas cards
Send
photo calendars.
Order
school pics. Promptly lose school pics before Christmas and have to
send out in January.
Send
Scout cards, International cards, UK cards
Wrap
all presents. (Emlyn did half)
Pay
school for panto trip
Buy
sets of tickets for all concerts for all times for all relevant
people
Add
and replace various items for ULTIMATE Christmas supermarket shop
Book
time off work for concerts
Attend
a few birthday parties (having bought and wrapped presents)
Sort
2 x random kids costumes for concerts, remember to get them to school
Make
gingerbread cookies (not essential but a tradition)
Make
Christmas decoration for work competition (!!!!)
Attend
concerts for all relevant family members
Wrap
“fake pressies” for Scout Christmas party (!!!) Remember child
has party, remember his Christmas jumper and entrance money
Remember
to dress kids in home clothes / Christmas clothes on various
different dates throughout December
Put
up decorations (kids do tree...wait til they in bed, re-distribute a
few items)
Get
extra green bags/food bags in case we get snowed in *hollow laugh*
Buy
all bottles of booze and or chocolates and or flowers to take to
parties / relatives
Pick
up Christmas shop on 23rd, realise half stuff is missing, go to
another shop to find missing items.
Plan/make
food for boxing day visitors & freeze
Make
food for Christmas day
Keep
a note of who got what and from who.
Write/
hassle kids into writing Thank you cards
Send
Thank you cards
Contact
absent family members to wish merry Christmas/happy new year
26th
December… brave the sales for next year….. and repeat….
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