How Not To Take A Good Passport Photo

I have just had the misfortune of making 3 separate attempts at trying to produce a photo that Customs and Excise will feel is the truest representation of my face. At a cost of fifteen, FIFTEEN of your British Earth Pounds! I tell you! I don’t have that kind of money to fanny around with! I’m already being robbed blind paying out nearly £100 smackers for the privilege of having an up-to-date passport just so I can prove that I am MYSELF in any given situation (because it sure as hell isn’t anything as fun as a HOLIDAY. Although the “fun-ness” of holidays at my time of life is debated here…).

In the photo it’s required that there is a white background, my head needs to sit neatly between two markers on the screen, I must have nothing on my face, neck, head. I must show no facial expression and DEFINITELY NO SMILING. Official guidelines here.

Photo 1:

It was rejected by the kind ladies at the post office counter who after much too-ing and fro-ing because I was a) too far back and so my head was too small (despite fitting within the markers) b) I was off centre c) my fringe was TOUCHING my eye brow. (No joke).

Just a little question here. Does my hair lightly TOUCHING my eyebrow indicate terrorist leanings? Is it likely to hide a massive, facially disfiguring scar meaning I could in reality be a spy of different ethnical origin? Or whatever it is they’re worried about….

Also, why? Why do we have to look so goddamn miserable and ugly? MOST of us don’t spend our days with absolutely NO expression unless we’ve had an unfortunate accident. When we are walking through customs, our faces will be animated from talking, laughing (crying?!) or whatever. We won’t be trudging through-dead eyed, staring off into the distance like zombies! It’s very silly.

On a personal note, this experience has taught me a few things about my face. My eyes are completely unequal…one looks like it’s bulging out ready to make a run for it and the other one is contemplating a snooze. I’ll never make it into one of those articles where they dissect the symmetry of a gorgeous famous face now. And I’m getting a bit jowly.

Photo 2:

Rejected again! Ugh what the WHAT?! This time the area around my neck is too dark and my MOUTH IS OPEN. Oh come ON! Even if I was concealing a massive goitre, what would that mean about my identity?! What security risk is there in my having a goitre?! It’s so goitrist! As for the mouth open….I ….eh? Terrorists all have their mouths sewed shut at birth..? I can’t even.

Photo 3:

Now come on, you can see ALL OF MY MASSIVE FACE in ALL its glory. I’m not concealing weapons of mass destruction in a goitre on my neck…can you please give me a fricking passport now? NO? Because my eyes aren’t central enough.

I give up.

Btw how do these pictures represent my face? The pictures below are faaaaaaaar more representative of my face. If you want to know who I am then these are the photos that should appear in my passport Customs. Not those dead eyed freaks above. K? K.