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How Not To Take A Good Passport Photo

I have just had the misfortune of making 3 separate attempts at trying to produce a photo that Customs and Excise will feel is the truest representation of my face. At a cost of fifteen, FIFTEEN of your British Earth Pounds! I tell you! I don’t have that kind of money to fanny around with! I’m already being robbed blind paying out nearly £100 smackers for the privilege of having an up-to-date passport just so I can prove that I am MYSELF in any given situation (because it sure as hell isn’t anything as fun as a HOLIDAY. Although the “fun-ness” of holidays at my time of life is debated here…).

In the photo it’s required that there is a white background, my head needs to sit neatly between two markers on the screen, I must have nothing on my face, neck, head. I must show no facial expression and DEFINITELY NO SMILING. Official guidelines here.

Photo 1:

Bad Passport Pic 1

It was rejected by the kind ladies at the post office counter who after much too-ing and fro-ing because I was a) too far back and so my head was too small (despite fitting within the markers) b) I was off centre c) my fringe was TOUCHING my eye brow. (No joke).

Just a little question here. Does my hair lightly TOUCHING my eyebrow indicate terrorist leanings? Is it likely to hide a massive, facially disfiguring scar meaning I could in reality be a spy of different ethnical origin? Or whatever it is they’re worried about….

Also, why? Why do we have to look so goddamn miserable and ugly? MOST of us don’t spend our days with absolutely NO expression unless we’ve had an unfortunate accident. When we are walking through customs, our faces will be animated from talking, laughing (crying?!) or whatever. We won’t be trudging through-dead eyed, staring off into the distance like zombies! It’s very silly.

On a personal note, this experience has taught me a few things about my face. My eyes are completely unequal…one looks like it’s bulging out ready to make a run for it and the other one is contemplating a snooze. I’ll never make it into one of those articles where they dissect the symmetry of a gorgeous famous face now. And I’m getting a bit jowly.

Photo 2:

Bad Passport Pic 2

Rejected again! Ugh what the WHAT?! This time the area around my neck is too dark and my MOUTH IS OPEN. Oh come ON! Even if I was concealing a massive goitre, what would that mean about my identity?! What security risk is there in my having a goitre?! It’s so goitrist! As for the mouth open….I ….eh? Terrorists all have their mouths sewed shut at birth..? I can’t even.

Photo 3:

Bad Passport pic 3

Now come on, you can see ALL OF MY MASSIVE FACE in ALL its glory. I’m not concealing weapons of mass destruction in a goitre on my neck…can you please give me a fricking passport now? NO? Because my eyes aren’t central enough.

I give up.

Btw how do these pictures represent my face? The pictures below are faaaaaaaar more representative of my face. If you want to know who I am then these are the photos that should appear in my passport Customs. Not those dead eyed freaks above. K? K. 

Brilliant blog posts on


  1. lmfao - hiding WMD in a goitre... *dies*

    I can't even when it comes to passport photos either - the very first one I had done when I was but a wee nipper, was in black and white, and my mum said to us we must not smile - I looked like I was on fucking death row! I'll have to see if I can find my old passport!


  2. Vicki- elliebearbabi25 June 2015 at 20:07

    Ahh I love this !!! How amazing would the last pic be as a passport photo! Hah! Hope you don't have to take another 3 more before they are accepted! Xx

  3. Hahah I know! That pic represents me the most!

  4. Salthewelshgirl27 June 2015 at 08:55

    Can I just say that they would probably accept the first one? The problem here is not the passport office - it's the post office. Debbie had the same problem with her and the boys passports - the post office kept rejecting form after form for ridiculous reasons and in the end she just sent them off anyway and they were accepted. I think the PO offers a service and to cover themselves they are way over the top in accepting things.

  5. You can't just say that, no because that's REALLY ANNOYING. ;) hee hee! They did finally accept it. Hooray! Now to book my holiday abroad....oh no hang on.... :'( :P

  6. This is hilarious!! I'm in the position where my driving licence and passport have both 'just' expired. I've been twice on separate days to take photos and I hate them. So I'm not going for a while. Can't believe you let your fringe touch your eyebrow, though. I mean, c'mon....

  7. haha loved this post! My passport has expired so I will have to go through this at some point but I'm putting it off for a while because I'm skinto. Things have obviously toughened up since I got my passport all those years ago, sounds like it's a right nightmare now!

  8. mummyofboygirltwins30 June 2015 at 21:31

    You should definitely use the middle one below - (if they let you) how could you not smile at that lovely smile??! This is hilarious. I look SO evil in mine. I dread getting it updated one day soon. So many rules!!!!! ;) xx

  9. Such a great post. I had a similar experience when having mine done and realising that I have never really had a photo taken when I wasn't smiling. And that's a good thing as I look like a serial killer in the passport pic. Really looks nothing like me......

  10. Crazy isn't it? That's good that you've never had a photo not smiling! You must be a very smiley person! :)

  11. This made me chuckle but you look gorgeous, I hate my passport photo so can't wait for it to be updated soon. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x

  12. HAHA!!! This made me laugh so much! Especially the final photo giving the V salute - Sums up your experience perfectly! Great read :)


  13. I was lmao off at this post. Totally agree that passport photo rules are way ott. Personally I think the very last picture you posted would be absolutely perfect. You should definately go with that one ;-)


  14. Hahah it is really strange how they don't let you smile. I look so angry/sad in my photo. They do however let you smile in America of course. So my British passport is very different to my American passport lol. I cannot believe they made you change the photo because of your fringe over the eyebrow, so ridiculous. This post made me laugh! Thanks so much for sharing with #StayClassy!

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  17. Superbly written article, if only all bloggers offered the same content as you, the internet would be a far better place..
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